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24 Quotes to Make You Laugh

Sometimes, you just need a good laugh. Check out the 24 quotes below to find an extra smile or two for the day!


There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
– Henry Kissinger

If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.
– Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.
– Yogi Berra

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
– Elbert Hubbard

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
– Dave Barry

No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.
– Yogi Berra

Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path.
– Ellen DeGeneres

We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third.
– Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
– Yogi Berra

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I’ll find it along the way.
– Michael Scott, The Office

I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
– Chandler Bing, Friends

You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.
– Yogi Berra

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.
– Linda Grayson

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
– Yogi Berra

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.
– Zig Ziglar

A peacock that rests on his tail feathers is just another turkey.
– Dolly Parton

To be is to do — Socrates. To do is to be — Jean-Paul Sartre. Do be do be do — Frank Sinatra.
– Kurt Vonnegut

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
– Lily Tomlin

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
– Steven Wright

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
– Jack Handey

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
– Mark Twain

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
– Michael Scott, The Office

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’
– Steven Wright

As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.
– Sir Norman Wisdom

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